DUMB-AMERICAN'S light-free COUNTRY GUIDE: Iceland
(A conversation with the dumbest version of myself about the old country)
Hope you brought skates! Get it??
You are terrible. Also, irretrievably stupid. Iceland is (mostly) not covered in ice. It’s actually more like the moon...which I totally have been to.
We’ve all been to the moon Louis Armstrong. So what was the deal?
The deal was that this was a place unlike anywhere we had ever seen on earth. It’s naturally devoid of trees and it’s gorgeous in an almost melancholy way…if that makes any sense.
No melon I’ve ever seen has ever been gorgeous, much less made sense to eat when I thought about other fruit options. You fail. Let’s get to what matters. How was the beer?
Well, first…fun fact…apparently Iceland had a ban on alcohol up until the late 1980’s. As far as we could tell, they’ve done a good deal to make up for the lost time. Not only do they have some deliciously refreshing beers, but they also have a national liquor called Brennivin, which translates to “Black Death.” It tastes slightly better. Like the plague, but with more sweetness and a licorice flavor.
Excuse me…I’m tearing up realizing I’ve finally found my kin…they’ll drink anything, just like me. Anyhow, in between being alcohol heroes, what do they eat to keep it down?
You probably aren’t going to see a lot of Icelandic restaurants popping up in your neighborhood anytime soon, but we found the restaurants in Reykjavik to be overall awesome and one of the meals took a ‘Top 3” honor of our entire trip. It was amazing. They also have a ridiculously good hotdog stand that’s been operating since the 30’s. I love few things more than hotdogs and these were legit.
I also only love hotdogs
That’s not what I said…
So, when you needed to relieve yourself of the black death and frankfurters, what was the situation?
Immaculate. They’re Scandinavians. They don’t tolerate what we consider clean, much less a mess. If all things were possible, you would probably want to teleport to use a bathroom in Iceland every time if it were an option.
Well, I’ve heard enough. We’re moving to Iceland to fall off the wagon and mess the bathrooms. Let me know what else there is to know in some sort of terrible, pun-driven pros and cons...
Nice-Land!
· It looks like nowhere else you’ll ever go (unless there is somewhere else that looks that way and we haven’t been there…which is entirely possible)
· The people! This place is populated by people that are the unadulterated ancestors of Vikings. VIKINGS!! They even have a phone app to make sure they aren’t about to get busy with their cousin. That unadulterated! And weird. But still…VIKINGS!!!
· The food?? Yes…the food! I can’t believe I’m saying this, but we loved the food here (mostly by avoiding some of the food, which I will touch on below…). Also, the yogurt is really, really, really good.
Ice-Losers (ok that’s not a pun…just bad)
· Eating whales? I get that your ancestors ate whales (sustainably) because they lived on a treeless island with a very short growing season, inhospitable to prodigious livestock. Most of that is still true, but you don’t need to eat fucking whales anymore. You also don’t need to try to tempt tourists to take part with your appetizing pictures of grilled minke whale steaks in a bunch of your restaurants. I almost considered it…until I thought about how terrible I would feel for the rest of my life. Quit it.
· You need the sun to hang out more. I kid! But not really. Having the sun rising at 10am in the morning was tough enough. I have no idea how everyone makes it through the winter. Wait…Black Death. Sorry…carry on. You guys have it figured out.
· It’s ‘spensive! It’s an (almost) Arctic island that can provide almost none of it’s own food and they are still trying to keep everyone from drinking everything all the time with taxes. Don’t come here with the expectation that it’s going to be affordable on those fronts (or others). That said…still totally worth it. Just make sure to raid Duty Free before coming in.
Hope you brought skates! Get it??
You are terrible. Also, irretrievably stupid. Iceland is (mostly) not covered in ice. It’s actually more like the moon...which I totally have been to.
We’ve all been to the moon Louis Armstrong. So what was the deal?
The deal was that this was a place unlike anywhere we had ever seen on earth. It’s naturally devoid of trees and it’s gorgeous in an almost melancholy way…if that makes any sense.
No melon I’ve ever seen has ever been gorgeous, much less made sense to eat when I thought about other fruit options. You fail. Let’s get to what matters. How was the beer?
Well, first…fun fact…apparently Iceland had a ban on alcohol up until the late 1980’s. As far as we could tell, they’ve done a good deal to make up for the lost time. Not only do they have some deliciously refreshing beers, but they also have a national liquor called Brennivin, which translates to “Black Death.” It tastes slightly better. Like the plague, but with more sweetness and a licorice flavor.
Excuse me…I’m tearing up realizing I’ve finally found my kin…they’ll drink anything, just like me. Anyhow, in between being alcohol heroes, what do they eat to keep it down?
You probably aren’t going to see a lot of Icelandic restaurants popping up in your neighborhood anytime soon, but we found the restaurants in Reykjavik to be overall awesome and one of the meals took a ‘Top 3” honor of our entire trip. It was amazing. They also have a ridiculously good hotdog stand that’s been operating since the 30’s. I love few things more than hotdogs and these were legit.
I also only love hotdogs
That’s not what I said…
So, when you needed to relieve yourself of the black death and frankfurters, what was the situation?
Immaculate. They’re Scandinavians. They don’t tolerate what we consider clean, much less a mess. If all things were possible, you would probably want to teleport to use a bathroom in Iceland every time if it were an option.
Well, I’ve heard enough. We’re moving to Iceland to fall off the wagon and mess the bathrooms. Let me know what else there is to know in some sort of terrible, pun-driven pros and cons...
Nice-Land!
· It looks like nowhere else you’ll ever go (unless there is somewhere else that looks that way and we haven’t been there…which is entirely possible)
· The people! This place is populated by people that are the unadulterated ancestors of Vikings. VIKINGS!! They even have a phone app to make sure they aren’t about to get busy with their cousin. That unadulterated! And weird. But still…VIKINGS!!!
· The food?? Yes…the food! I can’t believe I’m saying this, but we loved the food here (mostly by avoiding some of the food, which I will touch on below…). Also, the yogurt is really, really, really good.
Ice-Losers (ok that’s not a pun…just bad)
· Eating whales? I get that your ancestors ate whales (sustainably) because they lived on a treeless island with a very short growing season, inhospitable to prodigious livestock. Most of that is still true, but you don’t need to eat fucking whales anymore. You also don’t need to try to tempt tourists to take part with your appetizing pictures of grilled minke whale steaks in a bunch of your restaurants. I almost considered it…until I thought about how terrible I would feel for the rest of my life. Quit it.
· You need the sun to hang out more. I kid! But not really. Having the sun rising at 10am in the morning was tough enough. I have no idea how everyone makes it through the winter. Wait…Black Death. Sorry…carry on. You guys have it figured out.
· It’s ‘spensive! It’s an (almost) Arctic island that can provide almost none of it’s own food and they are still trying to keep everyone from drinking everything all the time with taxes. Don’t come here with the expectation that it’s going to be affordable on those fronts (or others). That said…still totally worth it. Just make sure to raid Duty Free before coming in.
Dumb-American's jolly bad country guide: The united Kingdom
(A conversation with the dumbest version of myself about the old country)
I thought we finished our business with those tea-taxing royals in 17…err…sometime…a while ago on July 4th!
We actually officially started that business on July 4th, not ended it, but it really doesn’t matter. Anyhow, yes there was a revolution against British rule and yes, it was a really long time ago. Also, this is really dumb. They are basically our best friends on earth.
Best friends that rip you off when you want tea…
This is absurd. Do you even drink tea?
I drink delicious freedom tea, brewed from bald eagle feathers. Anyhow, what’s the deal with the land of the ol’ occupiers.
You know making tea from bald eagles is almost assuredly a serious federal crime, right? I don’t know what to even say here. So…the United Kingdom, which includes both England and Scotland that we visited, is a wonderful place rich in history and poor in weather. Some stereotypes hold up.
Who needs weather when you have beer. So, what was the beer forecast?
They pretty much love beer as much as anyone on earth, so they tend to make sure it’s really good and readily available at pubs that all over the place. It’s definitely different than the types of beers we had been enjoying on most of the trip prior to our arrival (not a lot of warm cask beers in Vietnam…for a reason), but their beers fit their country and its many moods.
A simple “yeah, the beers are good” would have been plenty, Billy Shakespeare. So I know I’ve heard their food is terrible, but just how terrible? I heard they boil their fried fish.
I’m pretty sure that would make it not fried anymore, but not worth addressing really. Anyhow, it’s true that they have a reputation for sub-par food preparation and taste, but that reputation is antiquated and really no longer applies. While I am sure you can still find bad food in Britain, I am pretty sure you can do that everywhere. For the most part, we found the food to be delicious, all the way from England through Scotland. They basically make the best breakfasts anywhere on earth…at least if you like four types of breakfast meat at once…which you should. Surprisingly, we both even ended up loving haggis, which sounds so gross on paper there’s no point in even trying to explain how it could be good. But it is. I swear. We ate it basically once a day (and sometimes more).
Sounds like you’re in the final stages of haggis poisoning, marked by tongue drunkenness and taste amnesia. Speaking of, how were the crappers?
The loo, as they call it, is generally fine most places where you would think it to be fine. My aunt and uncle keep theirs in particularly nice condition.
Well, ridiculous names for bathrooms was probably right up there with “taxation without representation” in the long list of why it was time for them to pack their crumpets and beat it.
Seems reasonable. Also, crumpets are delicious.
Shut it. Give me the usual cheat sheet so I don’t ever have to remember any of this conversation.
Tally Hos!
· Breakfast! Holy crap do they do it up for breakfast. Eggs, beans, rasher (Irish bacon), sausages (better than any breakfast sausages anywhere), blood sausage (I love it), sometime haggis (I know I’ve lost most people here, but swear it is awesome)…kippers (I’ve lost everyone) . You eat a good breakfast here and you’re set for hours. Not a real visit without at least giving it a shot. I miss it.
· The museums! The Brits and Scots have been around for a bit, so that tends to lead to more than a couple cool stories to tell, along with some fantastic (arguably pilfered) artifacts they borrowed permanently from their more empire-y days. Seriously some of the best museums on the planet.
· The pubs! I know this seems obvious, but they have basically perfected the art of creating cozy places to drink awesome beer to help you forget about the weather (which I will address). Some of them are hundreds of years old and are veritable historic landmarks to people shirking responsibilities to tie on a nice buzz throughout the centuries
Tally Nos!
· The weather! It turns out some stereotypes exist for a reason and this is definitely one of them. My lord was the weather bad when we there, with the especially depressing bit coming our last week in Scotland. If there is a type of rain that literally soaks you in liquid hopelessness, we’re pretty sure that’s what we encountered. We didn’t see the sun for a week, and everyone seemed pretty resigned to its absence. I’m not sure they’ve seen the sun since. If you’re coming to visit, and you totally should, come with the expectation that the weather will be dismal and be excited if its not, even for an hour or two.
· The signage! For being our mother tongue, they sure know how to make things unnecessarily confusing. We’re talking arrowed signs to exits that led to dead-ends in the tube, and an inconsistent system where it felt as if road signs and exits were only posted when someone had felt like it. There was clearer English signage in China, and we were in England. Definite surprising fail.
· That dick at Heathrow! We encountered hands down the worst customs official of our entire trip at Heathrow, coming in from Croatia. He had it all—pompous, rude, and unnecessarily inquisitive. Why on earth do you need to know how much money my wife has in her bank account and how the hell are you going to check anyhow? You know what….she has a trillion pounds…and you can shove each and everyone up your power-tripping behind. We were shocked.
I thought we finished our business with those tea-taxing royals in 17…err…sometime…a while ago on July 4th!
We actually officially started that business on July 4th, not ended it, but it really doesn’t matter. Anyhow, yes there was a revolution against British rule and yes, it was a really long time ago. Also, this is really dumb. They are basically our best friends on earth.
Best friends that rip you off when you want tea…
This is absurd. Do you even drink tea?
I drink delicious freedom tea, brewed from bald eagle feathers. Anyhow, what’s the deal with the land of the ol’ occupiers.
You know making tea from bald eagles is almost assuredly a serious federal crime, right? I don’t know what to even say here. So…the United Kingdom, which includes both England and Scotland that we visited, is a wonderful place rich in history and poor in weather. Some stereotypes hold up.
Who needs weather when you have beer. So, what was the beer forecast?
They pretty much love beer as much as anyone on earth, so they tend to make sure it’s really good and readily available at pubs that all over the place. It’s definitely different than the types of beers we had been enjoying on most of the trip prior to our arrival (not a lot of warm cask beers in Vietnam…for a reason), but their beers fit their country and its many moods.
A simple “yeah, the beers are good” would have been plenty, Billy Shakespeare. So I know I’ve heard their food is terrible, but just how terrible? I heard they boil their fried fish.
I’m pretty sure that would make it not fried anymore, but not worth addressing really. Anyhow, it’s true that they have a reputation for sub-par food preparation and taste, but that reputation is antiquated and really no longer applies. While I am sure you can still find bad food in Britain, I am pretty sure you can do that everywhere. For the most part, we found the food to be delicious, all the way from England through Scotland. They basically make the best breakfasts anywhere on earth…at least if you like four types of breakfast meat at once…which you should. Surprisingly, we both even ended up loving haggis, which sounds so gross on paper there’s no point in even trying to explain how it could be good. But it is. I swear. We ate it basically once a day (and sometimes more).
Sounds like you’re in the final stages of haggis poisoning, marked by tongue drunkenness and taste amnesia. Speaking of, how were the crappers?
The loo, as they call it, is generally fine most places where you would think it to be fine. My aunt and uncle keep theirs in particularly nice condition.
Well, ridiculous names for bathrooms was probably right up there with “taxation without representation” in the long list of why it was time for them to pack their crumpets and beat it.
Seems reasonable. Also, crumpets are delicious.
Shut it. Give me the usual cheat sheet so I don’t ever have to remember any of this conversation.
Tally Hos!
· Breakfast! Holy crap do they do it up for breakfast. Eggs, beans, rasher (Irish bacon), sausages (better than any breakfast sausages anywhere), blood sausage (I love it), sometime haggis (I know I’ve lost most people here, but swear it is awesome)…kippers (I’ve lost everyone) . You eat a good breakfast here and you’re set for hours. Not a real visit without at least giving it a shot. I miss it.
· The museums! The Brits and Scots have been around for a bit, so that tends to lead to more than a couple cool stories to tell, along with some fantastic (arguably pilfered) artifacts they borrowed permanently from their more empire-y days. Seriously some of the best museums on the planet.
· The pubs! I know this seems obvious, but they have basically perfected the art of creating cozy places to drink awesome beer to help you forget about the weather (which I will address). Some of them are hundreds of years old and are veritable historic landmarks to people shirking responsibilities to tie on a nice buzz throughout the centuries
Tally Nos!
· The weather! It turns out some stereotypes exist for a reason and this is definitely one of them. My lord was the weather bad when we there, with the especially depressing bit coming our last week in Scotland. If there is a type of rain that literally soaks you in liquid hopelessness, we’re pretty sure that’s what we encountered. We didn’t see the sun for a week, and everyone seemed pretty resigned to its absence. I’m not sure they’ve seen the sun since. If you’re coming to visit, and you totally should, come with the expectation that the weather will be dismal and be excited if its not, even for an hour or two.
· The signage! For being our mother tongue, they sure know how to make things unnecessarily confusing. We’re talking arrowed signs to exits that led to dead-ends in the tube, and an inconsistent system where it felt as if road signs and exits were only posted when someone had felt like it. There was clearer English signage in China, and we were in England. Definite surprising fail.
· That dick at Heathrow! We encountered hands down the worst customs official of our entire trip at Heathrow, coming in from Croatia. He had it all—pompous, rude, and unnecessarily inquisitive. Why on earth do you need to know how much money my wife has in her bank account and how the hell are you going to check anyhow? You know what….she has a trillion pounds…and you can shove each and everyone up your power-tripping behind. We were shocked.
Dumb American's lazy multi-country guide: The Balkans
(A conversation with the dumbest version of myself about an area of Central Europe)
So, zero actual interest, but how was the country of Balkan
Ummm…it’s not a country. It’s actually an area that used to be the country of Yugoslavia and is now a bunch of smaller independent countries. I’m too lazy to write about all of them separately. We went to the countries of Slovenia, Croatia, Bosnia-Herzegovina, and Montenegro (and somewhat in that order).
Err…what?
This one is probably more on me than you, but considering the sizes of the countries and the ability to visit all of them in a relatively short period of time, figured this would make more sense, even if they are definitely different places.
Please stop. My brain is sore. So…what’s the deal?
The deal is this is a completely beautiful, naturally diverse and somewhat troubled part of the world that anyone considering a trip to Europe should put high on their lists. You can experience everything from the Alps, to some of the most beautiful spots on the Adriatic, to Ottoman minarets.
I have no idea what any of those places are. How’s the beer?
You didn’t even let me get to the mountain ranges and waterfalls, but fine. Yes, they…like every country you have ever visited…have beer. They have lots of beer. Is it the best beer? Not so sure. Is it good? Totally. Is it available in extremely affordable, plastic two-liter bottles that are probably meant to exist so you pour the occasional small glass of beer from your fridge but actually make way more sense as a way to have a split a bunch of beer with your wife in one sitting? Absolutely.
I was convinced this was the most boring thing I had ever heard about, and then you said the magic words…two-liter plastic beer. You have my attention. What grub does one pair with enormous plastic beers?
The “grub” is fantastic in most of the places, with some slight disappointments to be had in places where they know tourists will be supping. There are delicious meats like a burger/sausage hybrid called cevapi (pronounced che-wah-pee) and a enormous burger of lamb and beef called Pljeskavica (pronounced…errr…like….just point). They also had incredibly awesome trout in a bunch of places. Random, I know, but amazing.
Intresting about the trouts. How are the toilets?
The toilets were fine. Jesus.
So, we’ve covered off on all the major points as far as I’m concerned. Let’s get this over with and tell me what was a Bal-kan and what was a Bal-kan’t
Really?
I’m as serious as a two-liter jug of beer at a trout party.
That can’t actually be a saying…but fine…
Plus ‘Bal-KANs!’
· It’s got everything! All in a very accessible region, you can basically find amazing examples of anything you love, both culturally and naturally. We are talking about multiple countries here with completely different personalities (not to mention the whole ethnic strife thing), but they all blew us away in terms of how beautiful they each were
· The grilled meat! Especially in Slovenia and Bosnia-Herzegovina. You have to be ok with eating grilled meat a lot, but if you’re not ok with that…you probably shouldn’t come to the Balkans
· The swimming! From alpine lakes, to waterfalls, to the gin-clear Adriatic, we basically ended up swimming everywhere. It was awesome
Somewhat Negative ‘Bal-KAN’Ts’
· There are a lot of unsettled issues. Can’t say you’ll see it in any of Slovenia, or even most parts of coastal Croatia and Montenegro, but things are still not entirely right here. Especially in Bosnia-Herzegovina. It was interesting to see, but sad at the same time. You really hope they’ll get to a better place, but you’d also not be shocked if you read in the news that they were fighting again tomorrow
· Where’s all the good seafood?? We seriously had visions of Mediterranean seafood towers and pulling live octopi out of the water for burly fishermen to grill as we drank plastic jugs of beer, but this was delusional. There were some tasty seafood options, like delicious tiny fried fish, but we were disappointed for the most part. The bounty of the sea appears to have been de-bountied in these parts. The best seafood we had was in the landlocked capital of Slovenia. Who’d a thunk it…
· Grumpy Croats. Ok, this does not apply to all of the Balkans. But why were so many Croats so grumpy (not mean…just grumpy)? Don’t get me wrong, many were very nice, but many more acted like you had just stepped on their foot with a picture of Slobodan Milosevic on your shoe. Anyhow, this should in no way deter anyone from visiting a beautiful country, but for being the nation with the brightest economic prospects in the region, it was surprising that they had the least sunny personalities. I mean, Bosnia cops a smile for chrissakes.
So, zero actual interest, but how was the country of Balkan
Ummm…it’s not a country. It’s actually an area that used to be the country of Yugoslavia and is now a bunch of smaller independent countries. I’m too lazy to write about all of them separately. We went to the countries of Slovenia, Croatia, Bosnia-Herzegovina, and Montenegro (and somewhat in that order).
Err…what?
This one is probably more on me than you, but considering the sizes of the countries and the ability to visit all of them in a relatively short period of time, figured this would make more sense, even if they are definitely different places.
Please stop. My brain is sore. So…what’s the deal?
The deal is this is a completely beautiful, naturally diverse and somewhat troubled part of the world that anyone considering a trip to Europe should put high on their lists. You can experience everything from the Alps, to some of the most beautiful spots on the Adriatic, to Ottoman minarets.
I have no idea what any of those places are. How’s the beer?
You didn’t even let me get to the mountain ranges and waterfalls, but fine. Yes, they…like every country you have ever visited…have beer. They have lots of beer. Is it the best beer? Not so sure. Is it good? Totally. Is it available in extremely affordable, plastic two-liter bottles that are probably meant to exist so you pour the occasional small glass of beer from your fridge but actually make way more sense as a way to have a split a bunch of beer with your wife in one sitting? Absolutely.
I was convinced this was the most boring thing I had ever heard about, and then you said the magic words…two-liter plastic beer. You have my attention. What grub does one pair with enormous plastic beers?
The “grub” is fantastic in most of the places, with some slight disappointments to be had in places where they know tourists will be supping. There are delicious meats like a burger/sausage hybrid called cevapi (pronounced che-wah-pee) and a enormous burger of lamb and beef called Pljeskavica (pronounced…errr…like….just point). They also had incredibly awesome trout in a bunch of places. Random, I know, but amazing.
Intresting about the trouts. How are the toilets?
The toilets were fine. Jesus.
So, we’ve covered off on all the major points as far as I’m concerned. Let’s get this over with and tell me what was a Bal-kan and what was a Bal-kan’t
Really?
I’m as serious as a two-liter jug of beer at a trout party.
That can’t actually be a saying…but fine…
Plus ‘Bal-KANs!’
· It’s got everything! All in a very accessible region, you can basically find amazing examples of anything you love, both culturally and naturally. We are talking about multiple countries here with completely different personalities (not to mention the whole ethnic strife thing), but they all blew us away in terms of how beautiful they each were
· The grilled meat! Especially in Slovenia and Bosnia-Herzegovina. You have to be ok with eating grilled meat a lot, but if you’re not ok with that…you probably shouldn’t come to the Balkans
· The swimming! From alpine lakes, to waterfalls, to the gin-clear Adriatic, we basically ended up swimming everywhere. It was awesome
Somewhat Negative ‘Bal-KAN’Ts’
· There are a lot of unsettled issues. Can’t say you’ll see it in any of Slovenia, or even most parts of coastal Croatia and Montenegro, but things are still not entirely right here. Especially in Bosnia-Herzegovina. It was interesting to see, but sad at the same time. You really hope they’ll get to a better place, but you’d also not be shocked if you read in the news that they were fighting again tomorrow
· Where’s all the good seafood?? We seriously had visions of Mediterranean seafood towers and pulling live octopi out of the water for burly fishermen to grill as we drank plastic jugs of beer, but this was delusional. There were some tasty seafood options, like delicious tiny fried fish, but we were disappointed for the most part. The bounty of the sea appears to have been de-bountied in these parts. The best seafood we had was in the landlocked capital of Slovenia. Who’d a thunk it…
· Grumpy Croats. Ok, this does not apply to all of the Balkans. But why were so many Croats so grumpy (not mean…just grumpy)? Don’t get me wrong, many were very nice, but many more acted like you had just stepped on their foot with a picture of Slobodan Milosevic on your shoe. Anyhow, this should in no way deter anyone from visiting a beautiful country, but for being the nation with the brightest economic prospects in the region, it was surprising that they had the least sunny personalities. I mean, Bosnia cops a smile for chrissakes.
DUMB AMERICAN'S QUICK COUNTRY GUIDE: AUSTRo-HUNGARY
(A Conversation With My Dumbest Self, About Austria and Hungary)
So, how was Sound of Music-land and that other place you said that needs food?
Well, I can’t really respond to any of that at all, but I will tell you how Vienna and a couple cities in the ancient country of Hungary were.
Still not following, but you may proceed.
Really nice of you. Thanks. Anyhow, can’t really claim to have seen much of Austria on this trip beyond Vienna, but that made a pretty awesome impression on us all the same. After coming from Sri Lanka, it was a nicely low-maintenance experience. Hungary was a bit grungier, but in a good way…like your favorite dive bar…or…something else that’s preferable when grungier.
Lost me again, but pretty sure that’s on you this time. Anyhow, these A’strians and Hungers drink beer, or they just sit around sober all the time, talking about being foreigners?
I don’t even know where to begin with any of that, so I’ll forge ahead here. Yes…they drink beer and the beers were pretty good. That said, it was actually wine that was the standout in both places. When we were in Austria in September, it was the season for a fresh wine called Sturm. It was delicious. It’s like carbonated, dry grape juice you drink over ice. We couldn’t get enough of it, outside of them not letting us having enough of it. Hungary, it turns out, is famous for it’s wine (in and directly around Hungary). Anyhow, the wine was delicious and really cheap. Like ‘a buck a bottle’ cheap. We got wine in a plastic bottle from a market that was basically filled with what looked like a gas pump…and that was good. Swear. Not to say we didn’t have a beer or two in each country, but the wines made the biggest impression. (I can’t believe I just wrote that).
Alright, I am going to pretend I didn’t hear you talking about wine like a fancy lad so I can keep talking with you. Anyhow…how the privies?
Well, this is really a tale of two toilets here, because the bathrooms in Vienna were all pretty nice as far as I can recall, and the bathrooms in Hungary were not exactly the types of places you would want to enjoy a $1 bottle of wine in, if you get my drift (or maybe you would). Anyhow, you can definitely manage to find plenty of nice-enough bathrooms in Budapest if you just use common sense.
Common sense is for cowards. So, speaking of bathrooms, how’s the food in these parts?
That’s an unfortunately unappetizing association you made there, but I suppose they are somewhat related. The food in both places would leave you feeling so full you would declare that you never wanted to eat again, and then four hours later again you would be eating again. The food in Austria was actually lighter in comparison to Hungary’s, but that’s not saying much. We tried all the expected, and awesome dishes you may have heard of—like Wiener Schnitzel in Wien, and goulash in Hungary—along with some unbelievably unhealthy hidden gems like a fried dough patty covered in sour cream and shredded cheese called Langos. It was in Budapest, but it needs to immigrate to the US. It’s like something that elite carnie scientists would develop for the Iowa State Fair. So good.
Alright, enough of this. I have literally paid zero attention to anything you've said. Just give a quick rundown of pros and nos.
Awes-tro Hungarian Pros:
· Architecture: This is hardly something I can even remotely claim to appreciate beyond what I react positively and negatively toward, but the churches, synagogues and buildings in Wien, Budapest and Pecs transport you to another time. And it’s even more remarkable in Hungary where you’d expect the Soviets to have razed everything in favor of block buildings with block windows the color of cement blocks.
· Ruin Pubs: Ok, so this is really only a thing in Hungary…but maybe Austria needs to get with it. Ruin pubs deserve a shout-out regardless as they are both the jam and the jelly. It’s an unpretentious combination of event space and New Orleans dive bar. If one existed in New York, it would either be illegal or wildly expensive. In Hungary, they are neither of those things and they are doubly awesome because of it.
· Wildly Unhealthy Food: Everything tastes like something hearty and cozy you are psyched to eat around the holidays, and then you immediately realize you need to get on a diet after you’ve finished.
Austro-Hungarian No’s:
· Wildly Unhealthy Food: As stated above, everything makes you feel like you immediately need to get on a diet after you’ve finished, plus you “half-joke” about wanting to be dead every time you eat.
· Not Exactly The Tropics: We were there in September, which was supposed to be one of the nicest times of the year, and it was generally raining and cold. That may have been a fluke, but now it will be how the weather always is in our minds, and absolutely nothing you say or do will ever change that (to be fair, this was really in Budapest only…but we’re not fair).
· Wieners in Wien: So you would think the place that is the hot dog’s namesake would make a decent sausage, but we were fairly unimpressed. Yeah. I said it. Lacked flavor for the most part and I think the Germans have this one on lockdown.
So, how was Sound of Music-land and that other place you said that needs food?
Well, I can’t really respond to any of that at all, but I will tell you how Vienna and a couple cities in the ancient country of Hungary were.
Still not following, but you may proceed.
Really nice of you. Thanks. Anyhow, can’t really claim to have seen much of Austria on this trip beyond Vienna, but that made a pretty awesome impression on us all the same. After coming from Sri Lanka, it was a nicely low-maintenance experience. Hungary was a bit grungier, but in a good way…like your favorite dive bar…or…something else that’s preferable when grungier.
Lost me again, but pretty sure that’s on you this time. Anyhow, these A’strians and Hungers drink beer, or they just sit around sober all the time, talking about being foreigners?
I don’t even know where to begin with any of that, so I’ll forge ahead here. Yes…they drink beer and the beers were pretty good. That said, it was actually wine that was the standout in both places. When we were in Austria in September, it was the season for a fresh wine called Sturm. It was delicious. It’s like carbonated, dry grape juice you drink over ice. We couldn’t get enough of it, outside of them not letting us having enough of it. Hungary, it turns out, is famous for it’s wine (in and directly around Hungary). Anyhow, the wine was delicious and really cheap. Like ‘a buck a bottle’ cheap. We got wine in a plastic bottle from a market that was basically filled with what looked like a gas pump…and that was good. Swear. Not to say we didn’t have a beer or two in each country, but the wines made the biggest impression. (I can’t believe I just wrote that).
Alright, I am going to pretend I didn’t hear you talking about wine like a fancy lad so I can keep talking with you. Anyhow…how the privies?
Well, this is really a tale of two toilets here, because the bathrooms in Vienna were all pretty nice as far as I can recall, and the bathrooms in Hungary were not exactly the types of places you would want to enjoy a $1 bottle of wine in, if you get my drift (or maybe you would). Anyhow, you can definitely manage to find plenty of nice-enough bathrooms in Budapest if you just use common sense.
Common sense is for cowards. So, speaking of bathrooms, how’s the food in these parts?
That’s an unfortunately unappetizing association you made there, but I suppose they are somewhat related. The food in both places would leave you feeling so full you would declare that you never wanted to eat again, and then four hours later again you would be eating again. The food in Austria was actually lighter in comparison to Hungary’s, but that’s not saying much. We tried all the expected, and awesome dishes you may have heard of—like Wiener Schnitzel in Wien, and goulash in Hungary—along with some unbelievably unhealthy hidden gems like a fried dough patty covered in sour cream and shredded cheese called Langos. It was in Budapest, but it needs to immigrate to the US. It’s like something that elite carnie scientists would develop for the Iowa State Fair. So good.
Alright, enough of this. I have literally paid zero attention to anything you've said. Just give a quick rundown of pros and nos.
Awes-tro Hungarian Pros:
· Architecture: This is hardly something I can even remotely claim to appreciate beyond what I react positively and negatively toward, but the churches, synagogues and buildings in Wien, Budapest and Pecs transport you to another time. And it’s even more remarkable in Hungary where you’d expect the Soviets to have razed everything in favor of block buildings with block windows the color of cement blocks.
· Ruin Pubs: Ok, so this is really only a thing in Hungary…but maybe Austria needs to get with it. Ruin pubs deserve a shout-out regardless as they are both the jam and the jelly. It’s an unpretentious combination of event space and New Orleans dive bar. If one existed in New York, it would either be illegal or wildly expensive. In Hungary, they are neither of those things and they are doubly awesome because of it.
· Wildly Unhealthy Food: Everything tastes like something hearty and cozy you are psyched to eat around the holidays, and then you immediately realize you need to get on a diet after you’ve finished.
Austro-Hungarian No’s:
· Wildly Unhealthy Food: As stated above, everything makes you feel like you immediately need to get on a diet after you’ve finished, plus you “half-joke” about wanting to be dead every time you eat.
· Not Exactly The Tropics: We were there in September, which was supposed to be one of the nicest times of the year, and it was generally raining and cold. That may have been a fluke, but now it will be how the weather always is in our minds, and absolutely nothing you say or do will ever change that (to be fair, this was really in Budapest only…but we’re not fair).
· Wieners in Wien: So you would think the place that is the hot dog’s namesake would make a decent sausage, but we were fairly unimpressed. Yeah. I said it. Lacked flavor for the most part and I think the Germans have this one on lockdown.
DUMB AMERICAN'S QUICK COUNTRY GUIDE: SRI LANKA
(A Conversation With My Dumbest Self, About Sri Lanka)
Suh Ree, Shrr-Eye, Something Lanker, so what…never heard of it.
Is that a question? I’ll assume it was and go from there. Sri Lanka is an island nation south of India that has a long, rich history and some absolutely beautiful natural features to boot. It’s also just recently not in the midst of a civil war, so tourism there is relatively young.
No one does civil wars like we do, so don’t even get me started
Ok…I won’t. You can count on it.
Good. You have admitted our civil warring superiority. Now I will listen as to why the hell you went there.
As I mentioned, before whatever all that was, Sri Lanka is a beautiful island nation with thousands of years of cultural relics and traditions. It has picturesque beaches, beautiful interior landscapes, world-class surfing that we were not world-class at, and wildlife like we had never seen.
So they got some animals that can surf and a few beaches. Whoopty doo! Wake me up when there’s something worth mentioning. For instance, they have beers there or what?
Beers, plural? Not so much. A beer, yes. With the rare exception of a superior competitor called ‘Three Coins’ that would appear with the frequency of Sasquatch, basically they have one beer brand for the entire island called Lion. Lion is alright-ish if it’s really cold. If it’s warm, which happens, it is not alright-ish at all. While it comes in a satisfyingly large bottle at generally inexpensive prices, you will find that you hit a wall with Lion and start exploring their other beverage called Arak. Arak is like rum that your uncle made in his basement. He actually didn’t do a terrible job, but you’re always kind of worried about what it’s going to do to you. That said, after a week of “another Lion or maybe a Lion,” you’ll want to give a try.
Sounds good enough for me. Get me in touch with this uncle. So speaking of uncles, how were the crappers?
Not sure I’m following the correlation here, but I’ll just battle through this. The ‘crappers’ were, outside of the hotels, pretty crappy. In some cases, “worst of the trip” crappy. I saw a bathroom at Yala National Park that looked like Satan himself had given it a very messy visit following an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet. It will haunt my dreams. That said, you kind of don’t expect Sri Lanka to be the land of gleaming porcelain and immaculate powder rooms. A lot of the time, they have the pit in the ground and they are cool with it. They even have some very convincing arguments as to why they actually prefer it. You’ll be fine if you visit. Just bring around your own supply of “just in case” paper and be smart about using good “crappers” when you have the opportunity.
All this talk of Satan and Indian buffets got me hungry. What they got to eat in, uh, wherever it is you’re talking about again?
Sri Lankan food is not Indian food, nor like anything we could really compare it to. It was a revelation in many ways. Their most widely available offering is billed as “rice and curry,” but it’s really so much more than that. A good one will be a large serving of rice for the amount of people eating, along with anywhere from 6 to 12 accompanying dishes of curried vegetables, delicious greens, spicy ‘sambals’ and usually one meat or fish curry. For the most part, they were usually unbelievably delicious. They were also unbelievably filling. Erika and I stopped ordering them if we knew we actually wanted to do something afterward because inevitably we would just end up groaning about how we ate too much and be incapable of much more than that.
Outside of the rice and curries, they have a range of less crushing, but equally delicious offerings that are unlike anything we had had elsewhere. Egg hoppers, string hoppers, stuffed roti, deviled dishes, and smashed up ‘kottu’ are the main staples you seek out. You won’t be disappointed.
I will never remember any of that. Hope they have chicken fingers. Anyhow, give me your quick rundown of what was exotically awesome, and the harsh realties.
Exotically Awesome:
· Sri Lankan Culture: Nowhere felt more foreign, more removed from our understanding or far away as Sri Lanka. The mix of religions and temples, the saris and sarongs, as well as the calamity on the streets and markets made us feel completely out of our element…and that was amazing.
· Temples and Ceremonies: While I know this could be lumped in with the above, it deserves to be called out. The devotion to the many faiths on the island, the temples themselves and the ceremonies we witnessed really affected us. Some of the rituals and offerings made on a daily basis go above and beyond what one might expect at an annual festival. It’s inspiring.
· Unheralded Food: For some reason, Sri Lankan food has completely flown under the radar in the States and I think most people assume it is probably just like Indian (which we probably did as well). It’s not. It’s its own distinct cuisine and it’s mostly delicious. Nothing too spicy for most, or even challenging from an ingredients standpoint. They just make fantastic use of some supremely fresh spices and lesser known
· The Wildlife: Although our first experience seeing elephants was somewhat bitter sweet as they had all gathered to eat at a dump, they were still frickin’ elephants! Just out and about. And we saw them on a few other occasions away from dumps. It really gives you chills when you see them in the wild for the first time, or least did for us. And on top of that, you will likely see innumerable monkeys, wild water buffalo, crocs, monitor lizards and numerous other creatures that will have you feeling like you’re in a NatGeo special with less annoying narration.
Harsh Realities:
· Hard To Justify Prices: You will never, I hope, leave Sri Lanka with the impression that is in any way “expensive” when compared with some other destinations. What might have you scratching your head is why you just paid as much as you did for what you did. The hotel rooms were consistently average to below-average (with a couple exceptions), yet cost 50 to 100% more than Vietnam, Cambodia or China. And we’re not talking premo locations here. In the boonies, ‘no one else around’ places. Food prices would often fluctuate wildly in restaurants (some were laughably high) and you would always have to haggle down to about 25% of what a tuk tuk driver (basically a taxi) would quote you. Overall, the sense you get is that they were all told that tourists will basically pay whatever you quote them, so give it a shot. You can’t blame them when the government displays minimal Sri Lankan prices for park entries next to fairly astronomical prices for foreigners (literally the difference between 60 cents and $20 in one park). Basically, the cart is ahead of the horse in their pricing of goods and services for visitors, and my guess is that it will unsustainable. People will go elsewhere.
· The Drowny, Angry Ocean: You hear tons about Sri Lanka’s beaches before you get there, but people generally glaze over the fact that most of them, at least during half the year, are unswimmable. And I don’t mean “watch out for the occasional rip tide.” I mean, be careful going in to your knees in places because you literally can feel it pulling you out to sea. The next stop in most places in the Antarctic. The beaches are, as reported, totally gorgeous. It can just be very frustrating to be sweating under the death-ray sun on an nice beach, contemplating suicide just to cool off for a few moments before Davy Jones tugs at your sunburnt ankle.
Getting Around: Sri Lanka’s infrastructure neither structured, much less infra’d (sorry…that’s awful). Getting from one town to another, unless you want to pay $100 for a two-hour taxi ride, is a lesson in stress-management, extreme patience, and abject fear. The buses are as terrifying as they are crowded. You will likely spend a good deal of time with a stranger’s fragrant armpit pressed to your nose, while your eyes witness the driver swerving through traffic and playing chicken with other buses. The trains, while quaint and cool as they have not been updated since the Brits left in the 50’s, are usually VERY late and also ungodly packed. You get the armpit, or you hang outside of the train, strategically pulling yourself back in from time to time to dodge poles and foliage. Even better, no one ever seems to know if anything is actually running.
Suh Ree, Shrr-Eye, Something Lanker, so what…never heard of it.
Is that a question? I’ll assume it was and go from there. Sri Lanka is an island nation south of India that has a long, rich history and some absolutely beautiful natural features to boot. It’s also just recently not in the midst of a civil war, so tourism there is relatively young.
No one does civil wars like we do, so don’t even get me started
Ok…I won’t. You can count on it.
Good. You have admitted our civil warring superiority. Now I will listen as to why the hell you went there.
As I mentioned, before whatever all that was, Sri Lanka is a beautiful island nation with thousands of years of cultural relics and traditions. It has picturesque beaches, beautiful interior landscapes, world-class surfing that we were not world-class at, and wildlife like we had never seen.
So they got some animals that can surf and a few beaches. Whoopty doo! Wake me up when there’s something worth mentioning. For instance, they have beers there or what?
Beers, plural? Not so much. A beer, yes. With the rare exception of a superior competitor called ‘Three Coins’ that would appear with the frequency of Sasquatch, basically they have one beer brand for the entire island called Lion. Lion is alright-ish if it’s really cold. If it’s warm, which happens, it is not alright-ish at all. While it comes in a satisfyingly large bottle at generally inexpensive prices, you will find that you hit a wall with Lion and start exploring their other beverage called Arak. Arak is like rum that your uncle made in his basement. He actually didn’t do a terrible job, but you’re always kind of worried about what it’s going to do to you. That said, after a week of “another Lion or maybe a Lion,” you’ll want to give a try.
Sounds good enough for me. Get me in touch with this uncle. So speaking of uncles, how were the crappers?
Not sure I’m following the correlation here, but I’ll just battle through this. The ‘crappers’ were, outside of the hotels, pretty crappy. In some cases, “worst of the trip” crappy. I saw a bathroom at Yala National Park that looked like Satan himself had given it a very messy visit following an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet. It will haunt my dreams. That said, you kind of don’t expect Sri Lanka to be the land of gleaming porcelain and immaculate powder rooms. A lot of the time, they have the pit in the ground and they are cool with it. They even have some very convincing arguments as to why they actually prefer it. You’ll be fine if you visit. Just bring around your own supply of “just in case” paper and be smart about using good “crappers” when you have the opportunity.
All this talk of Satan and Indian buffets got me hungry. What they got to eat in, uh, wherever it is you’re talking about again?
Sri Lankan food is not Indian food, nor like anything we could really compare it to. It was a revelation in many ways. Their most widely available offering is billed as “rice and curry,” but it’s really so much more than that. A good one will be a large serving of rice for the amount of people eating, along with anywhere from 6 to 12 accompanying dishes of curried vegetables, delicious greens, spicy ‘sambals’ and usually one meat or fish curry. For the most part, they were usually unbelievably delicious. They were also unbelievably filling. Erika and I stopped ordering them if we knew we actually wanted to do something afterward because inevitably we would just end up groaning about how we ate too much and be incapable of much more than that.
Outside of the rice and curries, they have a range of less crushing, but equally delicious offerings that are unlike anything we had had elsewhere. Egg hoppers, string hoppers, stuffed roti, deviled dishes, and smashed up ‘kottu’ are the main staples you seek out. You won’t be disappointed.
I will never remember any of that. Hope they have chicken fingers. Anyhow, give me your quick rundown of what was exotically awesome, and the harsh realties.
Exotically Awesome:
· Sri Lankan Culture: Nowhere felt more foreign, more removed from our understanding or far away as Sri Lanka. The mix of religions and temples, the saris and sarongs, as well as the calamity on the streets and markets made us feel completely out of our element…and that was amazing.
· Temples and Ceremonies: While I know this could be lumped in with the above, it deserves to be called out. The devotion to the many faiths on the island, the temples themselves and the ceremonies we witnessed really affected us. Some of the rituals and offerings made on a daily basis go above and beyond what one might expect at an annual festival. It’s inspiring.
· Unheralded Food: For some reason, Sri Lankan food has completely flown under the radar in the States and I think most people assume it is probably just like Indian (which we probably did as well). It’s not. It’s its own distinct cuisine and it’s mostly delicious. Nothing too spicy for most, or even challenging from an ingredients standpoint. They just make fantastic use of some supremely fresh spices and lesser known
· The Wildlife: Although our first experience seeing elephants was somewhat bitter sweet as they had all gathered to eat at a dump, they were still frickin’ elephants! Just out and about. And we saw them on a few other occasions away from dumps. It really gives you chills when you see them in the wild for the first time, or least did for us. And on top of that, you will likely see innumerable monkeys, wild water buffalo, crocs, monitor lizards and numerous other creatures that will have you feeling like you’re in a NatGeo special with less annoying narration.
Harsh Realities:
· Hard To Justify Prices: You will never, I hope, leave Sri Lanka with the impression that is in any way “expensive” when compared with some other destinations. What might have you scratching your head is why you just paid as much as you did for what you did. The hotel rooms were consistently average to below-average (with a couple exceptions), yet cost 50 to 100% more than Vietnam, Cambodia or China. And we’re not talking premo locations here. In the boonies, ‘no one else around’ places. Food prices would often fluctuate wildly in restaurants (some were laughably high) and you would always have to haggle down to about 25% of what a tuk tuk driver (basically a taxi) would quote you. Overall, the sense you get is that they were all told that tourists will basically pay whatever you quote them, so give it a shot. You can’t blame them when the government displays minimal Sri Lankan prices for park entries next to fairly astronomical prices for foreigners (literally the difference between 60 cents and $20 in one park). Basically, the cart is ahead of the horse in their pricing of goods and services for visitors, and my guess is that it will unsustainable. People will go elsewhere.
· The Drowny, Angry Ocean: You hear tons about Sri Lanka’s beaches before you get there, but people generally glaze over the fact that most of them, at least during half the year, are unswimmable. And I don’t mean “watch out for the occasional rip tide.” I mean, be careful going in to your knees in places because you literally can feel it pulling you out to sea. The next stop in most places in the Antarctic. The beaches are, as reported, totally gorgeous. It can just be very frustrating to be sweating under the death-ray sun on an nice beach, contemplating suicide just to cool off for a few moments before Davy Jones tugs at your sunburnt ankle.
Getting Around: Sri Lanka’s infrastructure neither structured, much less infra’d (sorry…that’s awful). Getting from one town to another, unless you want to pay $100 for a two-hour taxi ride, is a lesson in stress-management, extreme patience, and abject fear. The buses are as terrifying as they are crowded. You will likely spend a good deal of time with a stranger’s fragrant armpit pressed to your nose, while your eyes witness the driver swerving through traffic and playing chicken with other buses. The trains, while quaint and cool as they have not been updated since the Brits left in the 50’s, are usually VERY late and also ungodly packed. You get the armpit, or you hang outside of the train, strategically pulling yourself back in from time to time to dodge poles and foliage. Even better, no one ever seems to know if anything is actually running.
DUMB AMERICAN'S QUICK COUNTRY GUIDE: VIETNAM
(A Conversation With My Dumbest Self, About Vietnam)
Tom Cruise and Charlie Sheen are not going to be happy about this…
Pretty sure they won’t know I went and even more sure they wouldn’t care if they did. That said, thanks for caring about the state of my imaginary relationships with celebrities and the characters they played. Why did I even respond to that?
Because you knew you was in the wrong, RED.
Please stop. Really. Please…
So beyond diving for cover, out there in the shit, what did you do?
You know that war ended before we were born right? People are not still diving for cover there, whether they be in, or out of, ‘the shit.’ Certainly, we did not. Anyhow, there’s a lot to do and then some. It’s an endlessly beautiful country that I feel comfortable saying will exceed almost anyone’s expectations. It’s fantastic.
So, you deserted? You sicken me.
This is going absolutely nowhere.
Going nowhere…like a fox. Anyhow, they got beer there?
Ignoring the first part, and concentrating on the second part…YES! They have tons and tons of cheap, CHEAP beer. Like, the cheapest beer ever. For realz. How’s it taste? CHEAP!!! It’s so damn cheap, who cares how it tastes??? It’s beer! In Hanoi, they have competing ‘Bia Hoi’ stands—literally means ‘fresh beer’—that are competing for your business with offers as low as 15 cents, and regularly 25 cents. Does it always taste good? No. Is it 25 cents? Yes! So shut up. It’s awesome. Take your micro-brew hang-ups and shove them in your completely depleted piggy bank. It’s the best.
Alright, so the right side won. That’s clear now. We need them to invade us with their ‘cheap beer’ army. I can get behind that. Was there anything to eat in between sub-dollar buzzes?
Was there anything to eat??? As long as you willing to sit on a tiny plastic stool with 4-inches of ground clearance that put your knee-caps solidly in your eye-sockets, there was a world of street food magic to be had. Basically, avoiding restaurants and just eating what looked, and smelled good, on the street was what made the food here so memorable. It’s amazing. There aren’t ways to describe it really. The surprise of how good, and unexpected, everything was had as much to do with enjoying it as the food itself. It’s one of the great joys of Vietnam to roll the dice and sit down for something you’ve never eaten before (within reason), so I would encourage everyone to do the same. We never regretted it.
Speaking of eating, they got toilets?
Errr...kind of? The toilets, outside of the hotels, were pretty awful. Especially for the lady folk...from what I was told. My personal worst was asking for a bathroom at a restaurant in Hanoi, walking back through the kitchen, entering a Silence Of The Lambs-esque backroom, seeing the bathroom, seeing a rat, seeing the rat run into the bathroom, then seeing the rat's tail as I used the trough/urinal sans any running water. No judgements. Just hard to enjoy the relief of finding a WC when you are worried about the rat next to your ankle. That said, that was even exceptional there. Mostly they were just in very bad shape, unless you found one where they charge. You should pay if you actually need to use it. It's the equivalent of like 10 cents and it will be far less traumatic than what's available for free. Mostly, we just strategically timed going to the bathroom with being at the room.
Hmmmm...cheap beer though, right?
Yes, dumb me...the cheapest.
So Give Me The Pro and Cons Rundown...You Thrifty, Drunk So-And So...
‘Banh Mi Tasty’ Pros:
· Hoi An: Hoi An is like a magical fairy land where nothing costs too much, there’s a beautiful beach close by to lounge-about on all day (An Bang), and then there’s an indescribably gorgeous town to enjoy every night. It was, in our opinion, the best place we went in Vietnam. You should go. And you should take us with you.
· Hanoi: I think the guidebooks do it justice, but just don’t miss it. Seriously. It has the best food and the best energy of anywhere we went in the country. Also, all the girls on mopeds look like cool James Bond villains. Seriously. Go.
· The Food: Vietnam and Japan have been waging an unwinnable war in my mind about who had the better food. Either way, pretty sure we all win. The food here is, for lack of a better term, mind-blowing. It could be your only reason for visiting and no one could argue with that. There is lot beyond what you may have had at a local Vietnamese place, and a lot you are familiar with that will set the bar even higher. My favorite ‘place’ was a stand set up by a woman who brought a delicious clam soup to the beach everyday on An Bang near Hoi An. It was one-dollar, one of the best things I can recall eating anywhere, and we ate there three times. There’s plenty of that all around Vietnam, I’m sure of it. Find it…then tell me about it.
· The Prices: Vietnam is truly cheap. As in, you’ll start thinking everything back home is a rip-off. Three-dollar beers??? Maybe after my Rolls is out of the shop, Warbucks! If you’re balking at the price of a plane ticket here, just remember that you can eat and drink well for $10 to $20 a day and there are gorgeous, upscale hotels for under $40. Seriously.
‘Fish Sauce Stinky’ Cons:
· Suicidal Street Crossings: While it definitely adds to the somewhat fun, “holy shit I’m in Southeast Asia” vibe, crossing the streets in Vietnam is a somewhat stressful adventure every time. You learn to train your brain to unlearn the self-preserving logic that says “walking directly into traffic is bad” and then just slowly make your way across. You get used to it, but it’s hardly relaxing.
· Mildly Annoying Hawkers: “Where you from? Where you going? You want buy something? I give good price. You first customer, is good luck. Is happy hour. Happy hour now” These questions and phrases will fill your day and then ring in your ears at night. They will also literally walk or bike next to you (even if you yourself are on a bike) and keep this up. It’s best to be friendly but firm if you aren’t interested in knock-off North Face gear or a ‘happy hour’ on t-shirts that have ‘Vietnam’ in a Heineken logo. Ultimately, it’s only mildly annoying at times, and really just part of the experience. You get used to it and have some fun with your responses (“I’m from a place. Just headed to the other place…).
Tom Cruise and Charlie Sheen are not going to be happy about this…
Pretty sure they won’t know I went and even more sure they wouldn’t care if they did. That said, thanks for caring about the state of my imaginary relationships with celebrities and the characters they played. Why did I even respond to that?
Because you knew you was in the wrong, RED.
Please stop. Really. Please…
So beyond diving for cover, out there in the shit, what did you do?
You know that war ended before we were born right? People are not still diving for cover there, whether they be in, or out of, ‘the shit.’ Certainly, we did not. Anyhow, there’s a lot to do and then some. It’s an endlessly beautiful country that I feel comfortable saying will exceed almost anyone’s expectations. It’s fantastic.
So, you deserted? You sicken me.
This is going absolutely nowhere.
Going nowhere…like a fox. Anyhow, they got beer there?
Ignoring the first part, and concentrating on the second part…YES! They have tons and tons of cheap, CHEAP beer. Like, the cheapest beer ever. For realz. How’s it taste? CHEAP!!! It’s so damn cheap, who cares how it tastes??? It’s beer! In Hanoi, they have competing ‘Bia Hoi’ stands—literally means ‘fresh beer’—that are competing for your business with offers as low as 15 cents, and regularly 25 cents. Does it always taste good? No. Is it 25 cents? Yes! So shut up. It’s awesome. Take your micro-brew hang-ups and shove them in your completely depleted piggy bank. It’s the best.
Alright, so the right side won. That’s clear now. We need them to invade us with their ‘cheap beer’ army. I can get behind that. Was there anything to eat in between sub-dollar buzzes?
Was there anything to eat??? As long as you willing to sit on a tiny plastic stool with 4-inches of ground clearance that put your knee-caps solidly in your eye-sockets, there was a world of street food magic to be had. Basically, avoiding restaurants and just eating what looked, and smelled good, on the street was what made the food here so memorable. It’s amazing. There aren’t ways to describe it really. The surprise of how good, and unexpected, everything was had as much to do with enjoying it as the food itself. It’s one of the great joys of Vietnam to roll the dice and sit down for something you’ve never eaten before (within reason), so I would encourage everyone to do the same. We never regretted it.
Speaking of eating, they got toilets?
Errr...kind of? The toilets, outside of the hotels, were pretty awful. Especially for the lady folk...from what I was told. My personal worst was asking for a bathroom at a restaurant in Hanoi, walking back through the kitchen, entering a Silence Of The Lambs-esque backroom, seeing the bathroom, seeing a rat, seeing the rat run into the bathroom, then seeing the rat's tail as I used the trough/urinal sans any running water. No judgements. Just hard to enjoy the relief of finding a WC when you are worried about the rat next to your ankle. That said, that was even exceptional there. Mostly they were just in very bad shape, unless you found one where they charge. You should pay if you actually need to use it. It's the equivalent of like 10 cents and it will be far less traumatic than what's available for free. Mostly, we just strategically timed going to the bathroom with being at the room.
Hmmmm...cheap beer though, right?
Yes, dumb me...the cheapest.
So Give Me The Pro and Cons Rundown...You Thrifty, Drunk So-And So...
‘Banh Mi Tasty’ Pros:
· Hoi An: Hoi An is like a magical fairy land where nothing costs too much, there’s a beautiful beach close by to lounge-about on all day (An Bang), and then there’s an indescribably gorgeous town to enjoy every night. It was, in our opinion, the best place we went in Vietnam. You should go. And you should take us with you.
· Hanoi: I think the guidebooks do it justice, but just don’t miss it. Seriously. It has the best food and the best energy of anywhere we went in the country. Also, all the girls on mopeds look like cool James Bond villains. Seriously. Go.
· The Food: Vietnam and Japan have been waging an unwinnable war in my mind about who had the better food. Either way, pretty sure we all win. The food here is, for lack of a better term, mind-blowing. It could be your only reason for visiting and no one could argue with that. There is lot beyond what you may have had at a local Vietnamese place, and a lot you are familiar with that will set the bar even higher. My favorite ‘place’ was a stand set up by a woman who brought a delicious clam soup to the beach everyday on An Bang near Hoi An. It was one-dollar, one of the best things I can recall eating anywhere, and we ate there three times. There’s plenty of that all around Vietnam, I’m sure of it. Find it…then tell me about it.
· The Prices: Vietnam is truly cheap. As in, you’ll start thinking everything back home is a rip-off. Three-dollar beers??? Maybe after my Rolls is out of the shop, Warbucks! If you’re balking at the price of a plane ticket here, just remember that you can eat and drink well for $10 to $20 a day and there are gorgeous, upscale hotels for under $40. Seriously.
‘Fish Sauce Stinky’ Cons:
· Suicidal Street Crossings: While it definitely adds to the somewhat fun, “holy shit I’m in Southeast Asia” vibe, crossing the streets in Vietnam is a somewhat stressful adventure every time. You learn to train your brain to unlearn the self-preserving logic that says “walking directly into traffic is bad” and then just slowly make your way across. You get used to it, but it’s hardly relaxing.
· Mildly Annoying Hawkers: “Where you from? Where you going? You want buy something? I give good price. You first customer, is good luck. Is happy hour. Happy hour now” These questions and phrases will fill your day and then ring in your ears at night. They will also literally walk or bike next to you (even if you yourself are on a bike) and keep this up. It’s best to be friendly but firm if you aren’t interested in knock-off North Face gear or a ‘happy hour’ on t-shirts that have ‘Vietnam’ in a Heineken logo. Ultimately, it’s only mildly annoying at times, and really just part of the experience. You get used to it and have some fun with your responses (“I’m from a place. Just headed to the other place…).
DUMB AMERICAN'S QUICK COUNTRY GUIDE: CHINA
(A Conversation With My Dumbest Self, About China)
Wait, ain’t that our enemy led by the devious, but delicious General Tso???
That is shockingly inaccurate, dumb Ian! China is not our enemy, nor is General Tso a real person—much less an actual Chinese dish. We fought with no one, nor did we see anyone being given orders by food. That said, they are fairly unfriendly to tourists and led by a totalitarian regime that made getting a tourist visa an unnecessary, and expensive, boondoggle.
‘Merica can boon dogs with the best of them. Don’t forget that we defeated the Rooskies and the North Koreans in both versions of the movie Red Dawn.
You are upsettingly dumb today
Do those reds know how to drink beer, or they just drinking other people’s freedom?
Not sure how you would actually drink away another’s freedom, but yes…they have beer. It’s pretty good and mostly really cheap (like 50 - 75 cents). Even more perplexing was that a large bottle of Tsingtao was usually less than a small one. Might have had something to do with export vs. domestic, but I didn’t ask questions. I just drank more beer like I was ordered to. All said, more of a drink-whilst-you’re-eating culture than a drink-for-drinking’s-sake kind of place.
So how bad is a commie toilet?
Is this the beginning of a bar joke, J. Edgar? I am going to assume it’s an actual, sort-of question and proceed accordingly. The answer is, not as bad as some people told us, but not exactly great either. Mostly they were just toilets. Some decent, some pretty awful. Often, they didn’t actually have paper, so you need to bring an emergency stash of your own if you’re away from your hotel. We basically just looked for other, nicer hotels when the need arose and pretended we were staying there. Just look confident, while simultaneously looking like you might need a diaper.
Good move. So, they eat food, or they just eating other people’s freedom?
Again with the freedom thing? Seriously?? Stop it. That doesn’t even make sense. At all. Anyhow, their food is amazing. And completely different than what we think of as Chinese food in the States. Each area does it’s own thing and does it really well. Soup dumplings in Shanghai taste like they were invented there (which they were), Peking duck tastes so good in Beijing that you’d think they’d invented it (which they did) and you end up trying types of cuisine that you’ve never heard of before (but have been around for a thousand years). Eating is one of the highlights of visiting China. That said, it's a bit challenging ordering anything interesting when you don’t speak Mandarin. Just plug a bunch of broken phrases like "me like spicy pork" into Google Translate before you lose wifi and head out for dinner. Works like a charm.
So, what was ‘bbq spare rib” good, and what was ‘veggie spring roll’ disappointing?
First off, for the record, neither of those things were consumed in China, but fine…
BBQ Spare Rib Good:
· Cultural Attractions: China has been going strong through the rise-and-fall of many Western civilizations that we clamor to see the ruins of, so it goes without saying that there’s a quite a lot to see in this department. If you’re excited to see the Forbidden City or the Great Wall, as we were, they will outdo your expectations by miles. Even past that, the ancient city walls in Xi’an, Terracotta Warriors and numerous temples and pagodas will leave you with an almost equal sense of awe.
· Food: Good lord, the food. After taking a few moments to relax after the stress of attempting to order (while the waiter stares you down), you will be rewarded with unbelievably delicious preparations, utilizing flavors and ingredients you might only be slightly familiar with. Everything tastes different than what’d you expect, in a very good way. Do your research and try as much as you can.
· The Subways: While I would give their flashier bullet trains fair marks (downgrades for lack of comfort and Gestapo-esque train crew), it was the subway systems in Shanghai, Beijing, Xi’an and Shenzhen that impressed us most. All ran very frequently and were surprisingly clean compared to what you left topside. They also make it unbelievably easy for dumb monolinguists like ourselves to navigate with touch-screen ticket kiosks. Don’t be afraid to use them. They were lifesavers.
Veggie Spring Roll Disappointing:
· Manners/Anarchy: Ok, ok, ok. This is clearly an incredibly broad generalization about one of the oldest civilizations on earth, but you don’t exactly get the ‘warm fuzzies’ being a tourist in China...more like the 'cold, angries.' Hate lines? Have a good forearm shiver and no fear? You'll fit right in. Just knock over the old lady in front of you before she takes out your knees for that steamed bun. Otherwise, you're toast. Think you're a savvy bargainer? My wife tried some friendly lowballing in her first bought of street haggling in Shanghai, and was called “garbage lady” followed by a string of unrelated vulgarities. Good times. If you wait to let people off the train, you'll be waiting for the next train...and then the next...and then the next. Overall, there seems to be a complete lack of any semblance of patience, which is what happens when a billion or so people are all trying to get the same thing or go to the same place. Get ready. We sucked at it. (NOTE HERE: We met many people that were helpful, kind, and overall great. This was more our general experience when out and about. Not personal. Don’t kill me.)
· Damn it’s dirty: There’s legitimate complaining about how New York is so dirty (which it is), and then there’s ‘large Chinese city dirty.’ This likely comes hand-in-hand with housing a fifth of the human beings on planet earth, but don’t wear your best Sunday whites or nose. We saw some stuff we would pay handsomely to un-see and smelled some things that can never be un-smelled. Also, the pollution physically stings your eyes and, in Beijing, blotted out the sun. THE SUN people. The thing that gives us life. It’s basically not there sometimes when it should be…yet somehow it still gets hot as hell. There’s just a faint brightness through the haze that reminds you of what was once was. If you have any friends who have problems with pollution regulations or deny global warming, send them to Beijing in July. You’ll see Al Gore step off the return flight with your friend’s clothes on.
· Hella Hot: This is on us for visiting China in July, but holy shit. We knew it would be hot, but it was beyond hot. It was like running a hair dryer in a pizza oven while wearing a wool sweater and long johns…which I’ve done…but worse. It suuucked. It was a relief when it dropped to 91 one day. ONE day. The rest of the days, it was over 95, and we had a stretch where it was 96, 98, 100, 112, 112. That is not a typo. 112...TWICE. Shit was real. It was so hot, I can’t stop swearing. Fuckity, fuck it was hot. Do not go there in July unless you absolutely need to, really need a fast way to cook eggs, or have zero body fat and/or clothes on. Shit.
· Not For Vacations: We don’t view this trip as a vacation, so we certainly didn’t head to China with any notions of it being the Caribbean, but we also didn’t realize it would be so unbelievably stressful. I only say this because if you’re trying to figure out what to do with a week or two away from work to leave it all behind, I couldn’t in a million years recommend China. You’ll miss work. There’s so much worth seeing and doing here, but Sandals Beijing is not opening anytime soon.
Wait, ain’t that our enemy led by the devious, but delicious General Tso???
That is shockingly inaccurate, dumb Ian! China is not our enemy, nor is General Tso a real person—much less an actual Chinese dish. We fought with no one, nor did we see anyone being given orders by food. That said, they are fairly unfriendly to tourists and led by a totalitarian regime that made getting a tourist visa an unnecessary, and expensive, boondoggle.
‘Merica can boon dogs with the best of them. Don’t forget that we defeated the Rooskies and the North Koreans in both versions of the movie Red Dawn.
You are upsettingly dumb today
Do those reds know how to drink beer, or they just drinking other people’s freedom?
Not sure how you would actually drink away another’s freedom, but yes…they have beer. It’s pretty good and mostly really cheap (like 50 - 75 cents). Even more perplexing was that a large bottle of Tsingtao was usually less than a small one. Might have had something to do with export vs. domestic, but I didn’t ask questions. I just drank more beer like I was ordered to. All said, more of a drink-whilst-you’re-eating culture than a drink-for-drinking’s-sake kind of place.
So how bad is a commie toilet?
Is this the beginning of a bar joke, J. Edgar? I am going to assume it’s an actual, sort-of question and proceed accordingly. The answer is, not as bad as some people told us, but not exactly great either. Mostly they were just toilets. Some decent, some pretty awful. Often, they didn’t actually have paper, so you need to bring an emergency stash of your own if you’re away from your hotel. We basically just looked for other, nicer hotels when the need arose and pretended we were staying there. Just look confident, while simultaneously looking like you might need a diaper.
Good move. So, they eat food, or they just eating other people’s freedom?
Again with the freedom thing? Seriously?? Stop it. That doesn’t even make sense. At all. Anyhow, their food is amazing. And completely different than what we think of as Chinese food in the States. Each area does it’s own thing and does it really well. Soup dumplings in Shanghai taste like they were invented there (which they were), Peking duck tastes so good in Beijing that you’d think they’d invented it (which they did) and you end up trying types of cuisine that you’ve never heard of before (but have been around for a thousand years). Eating is one of the highlights of visiting China. That said, it's a bit challenging ordering anything interesting when you don’t speak Mandarin. Just plug a bunch of broken phrases like "me like spicy pork" into Google Translate before you lose wifi and head out for dinner. Works like a charm.
So, what was ‘bbq spare rib” good, and what was ‘veggie spring roll’ disappointing?
First off, for the record, neither of those things were consumed in China, but fine…
BBQ Spare Rib Good:
· Cultural Attractions: China has been going strong through the rise-and-fall of many Western civilizations that we clamor to see the ruins of, so it goes without saying that there’s a quite a lot to see in this department. If you’re excited to see the Forbidden City or the Great Wall, as we were, they will outdo your expectations by miles. Even past that, the ancient city walls in Xi’an, Terracotta Warriors and numerous temples and pagodas will leave you with an almost equal sense of awe.
· Food: Good lord, the food. After taking a few moments to relax after the stress of attempting to order (while the waiter stares you down), you will be rewarded with unbelievably delicious preparations, utilizing flavors and ingredients you might only be slightly familiar with. Everything tastes different than what’d you expect, in a very good way. Do your research and try as much as you can.
· The Subways: While I would give their flashier bullet trains fair marks (downgrades for lack of comfort and Gestapo-esque train crew), it was the subway systems in Shanghai, Beijing, Xi’an and Shenzhen that impressed us most. All ran very frequently and were surprisingly clean compared to what you left topside. They also make it unbelievably easy for dumb monolinguists like ourselves to navigate with touch-screen ticket kiosks. Don’t be afraid to use them. They were lifesavers.
Veggie Spring Roll Disappointing:
· Manners/Anarchy: Ok, ok, ok. This is clearly an incredibly broad generalization about one of the oldest civilizations on earth, but you don’t exactly get the ‘warm fuzzies’ being a tourist in China...more like the 'cold, angries.' Hate lines? Have a good forearm shiver and no fear? You'll fit right in. Just knock over the old lady in front of you before she takes out your knees for that steamed bun. Otherwise, you're toast. Think you're a savvy bargainer? My wife tried some friendly lowballing in her first bought of street haggling in Shanghai, and was called “garbage lady” followed by a string of unrelated vulgarities. Good times. If you wait to let people off the train, you'll be waiting for the next train...and then the next...and then the next. Overall, there seems to be a complete lack of any semblance of patience, which is what happens when a billion or so people are all trying to get the same thing or go to the same place. Get ready. We sucked at it. (NOTE HERE: We met many people that were helpful, kind, and overall great. This was more our general experience when out and about. Not personal. Don’t kill me.)
· Damn it’s dirty: There’s legitimate complaining about how New York is so dirty (which it is), and then there’s ‘large Chinese city dirty.’ This likely comes hand-in-hand with housing a fifth of the human beings on planet earth, but don’t wear your best Sunday whites or nose. We saw some stuff we would pay handsomely to un-see and smelled some things that can never be un-smelled. Also, the pollution physically stings your eyes and, in Beijing, blotted out the sun. THE SUN people. The thing that gives us life. It’s basically not there sometimes when it should be…yet somehow it still gets hot as hell. There’s just a faint brightness through the haze that reminds you of what was once was. If you have any friends who have problems with pollution regulations or deny global warming, send them to Beijing in July. You’ll see Al Gore step off the return flight with your friend’s clothes on.
· Hella Hot: This is on us for visiting China in July, but holy shit. We knew it would be hot, but it was beyond hot. It was like running a hair dryer in a pizza oven while wearing a wool sweater and long johns…which I’ve done…but worse. It suuucked. It was a relief when it dropped to 91 one day. ONE day. The rest of the days, it was over 95, and we had a stretch where it was 96, 98, 100, 112, 112. That is not a typo. 112...TWICE. Shit was real. It was so hot, I can’t stop swearing. Fuckity, fuck it was hot. Do not go there in July unless you absolutely need to, really need a fast way to cook eggs, or have zero body fat and/or clothes on. Shit.
· Not For Vacations: We don’t view this trip as a vacation, so we certainly didn’t head to China with any notions of it being the Caribbean, but we also didn’t realize it would be so unbelievably stressful. I only say this because if you’re trying to figure out what to do with a week or two away from work to leave it all behind, I couldn’t in a million years recommend China. You’ll miss work. There’s so much worth seeing and doing here, but Sandals Beijing is not opening anytime soon.
DUMB AMERICAN'S QUICK COUNTRY GUIDE: JAPAN
(A Conversation With My Dumbest Version of Myself, About Japan)
Umm, the place where no one cooks fish and overrun with ninjas??
Oh boy…well, I…they cook some of the fish. No ninjas…that we saw anyhow. It’s Japan, dumb Ian! And it’s even more amazing than ninjas, or sushi, or ninjas that make sushi for you (although I am sure you make that happen there too…totally serious). From the moment you arrive, Japan is like waking up in an alternative reality where you can’t really hope to understand anything, so it’s best to accept that and enjoy it bewildered.
So, it’s like doing mushrooms
Basically, yes
They got beer?
YES!!! Everywhere!!! Like seriously, everywhere. Even in frickin’ VENDING MACHINES! They love beer, and I loved them all the more for it. And it’s always ice cold. Even better, we learned that a bunch of their best eating options, like izakaya joints and sushi, were basically designed to give people enjoyable places to enjoy beer and sake. They are a ‘beer first’ culture, and that I can get behind that (and did).
Umm…I’m going
You already did, dumb Ian. But don’t let me stop you from going back. I’ll join.
What’s the toilet situation?
If the Superbowl wasn’t for football, and was instead an international, head-to-head match-up of competitive toilets, it would always be played in Japan—and Japan’s Toto would never lose. They put as much attention into their toilets as we Americans do into…actually there’s nothing we pay as much attention to. Their toilets are, for the most part, like pooping at the helm of a spaceship. You have a complete control panel, minus warp speed (or maybe that was on there…I couldn’t read anything). One button might delightfully warm the seat, another might produce pleasant sounds to counteract your less pleasant ones, while yet another might send a fairly powerful jet of water where you never wanted it…or did you? They won’t tell. Their toilets even keep secrets!
Sounds like you could eat off them toilets. Speaking of, what do they eat?
Firstly, as nice as the toilets were, definitely do not eat off of them (or in the bathroom in general). Secondly, the food is some of the best, if not the best, you can eat anywhere (in my opinion). It does help to already like Japanese food obviously. What’s worth noting is that it’s way more than sushi. Sushi is only one of tons of delicious options, and it’s not the go-to as far as we could tell (although it was obviously amazing for the most part). Without going into everything we ate and specifics (because the internet doesn’t have enough internet space for that), I think the key is figuring out what each city you visit is known for and relentlessly consuming it while you are there (e.g. Osaka and okonomiaki). Also, eat ramen wherever, and however you can between eating the other stuff. It has about as much in common with our dry noodle, ‘poor college’ packaged stuff as aged-porterhouse steaks and canned, Dinty Moore stew. It’s magic.
So, what was ‘Ninja’ awesome, and what was ‘Pokemon’ unfortunate?
Ninja Awesome:
· Japanese People: Really no way to convey, comprehend, or explain the hospitality, and over-the-top helpful nature, of the Japanese adequately. It basically makes you feel like you’ve been a bad person most of your life…in a good way? In spite of our terrible attempts at speaking the language, everyone patiently (and likely painfully) endured our ‘terrible-at-charades’ gesturing to make sure we were ok and getting what we needed. This was basically universal. Not once, but twice, Japanese gentlemen walked us over 6 blocks to show us where a location we couldn’t find on our own was. They clearly had other things they needed to be doing, but did that anyway without hesitation. Mind-boggling. I feel good about myself when I briefly point in the right direction for a tourist in New York. I suck (but still not walking anyone six blocks).
· 0% Crime-y/100% Clean-y: A friend mentioned that you could leave your wallet on a Japanese subway platform and would almost guarantee you would have it returned to you in 24 hours by the person that found it—every yen and credit card accounted for. We didn’t actually test this, but it’s likely true. It might be one of the safest places on the planet. Also, it’s basically spotless compared to what we’re used to.
· The Weird Stuff: Japan has a rep in the States as being incomprehensibly weird in many ways, and it’s deserved. Soak it in. It’s one of the best parts. Whether the manga district in Tokyo or animatronic snow crabs in Osaka, it’s a lot of what you realize you went there for in the first place. Make a point of finding it. Robot Restaurant, for starters.
· Vending Machines: Oh big deal. It’s just vending machines, right! WRONG! It’s Japanese vending machines—AND. THEY. ARE. EVERYWHERE. Feeling a bit sleepy and want a surprisingly delicious canned coffee? It’s no more than ten feet from you…I guarantee it. They have like six vending machines on every block, even in the middle of nowhere. Also, they occasionally have beer, sake and pre-fac cocktail vending machines, which occasionally is the most awesome thing ever (NOTE: you will get the stink-eye if you decided to enjoy more than two or three in one standing…not that we…yes we did).
· Prices: That thing you heard about the $50 watermelons and $100 glasses of Jack Daniels in Japan? Completely untrue and most likely came out of the much different economic boom-climate of the 80’s. That’s no longer the case. Japan is, relatively speaking, inexpensive. Swear. Look into it for yourself, but it’s an affordable place to visit on most any budget (outside of getting there). There are plenty of very good deals to be had.
· Basically Everywhere: We decided to go to some of the better-known tourist destinations (Tokyo, Kyoto and Nikko) as well as some that get less attention (Osaka, Kanazawa, Nagano, and the unintended Kinugawa Onsen), but ended up mostly loving them all. I am sure there are some duds in Japan, but we couldn’t find them (although Kinugawa Onsen gets a “kind-of-awkward” asterisk).
Pokemon Lame:
· Almost Nothing: Not lying here. Really had to stretch to think of any even slight negatives about our experience in Japan. They are almost entirely superficial, and more peculiar observances than real annoyances or grievances.
· Very Few Trash Cans: For a place this spotless, it was incredible that it was so hard to find a trash can when you needed one. It was actually explained to me that some of this in the cities was due to a terrible domestic terrorist attack in the subway years ago (religious cult), but it held true in places far from those areas of concern. Anyhow, it meant being slight inconvenienced by having to carry an empty coffee can or bad for a few extra blocks on occasion. Basically unforgivable.
· Comfort: It’s hard to say anyone beats the Japanese on aesthetics and attention to detail, but most fold out lawn chairs have them beat on comfort. Maybe it’s because I am slightly larger than some (I’m sensitive to carbs!), but the Japanese-style beds and sitting on the floor took a bit of toll after a couple weeks. Also, the seats at their baseball games have about enough room for one butt-cheek. That said, minor inconvenience.
Umm, the place where no one cooks fish and overrun with ninjas??
Oh boy…well, I…they cook some of the fish. No ninjas…that we saw anyhow. It’s Japan, dumb Ian! And it’s even more amazing than ninjas, or sushi, or ninjas that make sushi for you (although I am sure you make that happen there too…totally serious). From the moment you arrive, Japan is like waking up in an alternative reality where you can’t really hope to understand anything, so it’s best to accept that and enjoy it bewildered.
So, it’s like doing mushrooms
Basically, yes
They got beer?
YES!!! Everywhere!!! Like seriously, everywhere. Even in frickin’ VENDING MACHINES! They love beer, and I loved them all the more for it. And it’s always ice cold. Even better, we learned that a bunch of their best eating options, like izakaya joints and sushi, were basically designed to give people enjoyable places to enjoy beer and sake. They are a ‘beer first’ culture, and that I can get behind that (and did).
Umm…I’m going
You already did, dumb Ian. But don’t let me stop you from going back. I’ll join.
What’s the toilet situation?
If the Superbowl wasn’t for football, and was instead an international, head-to-head match-up of competitive toilets, it would always be played in Japan—and Japan’s Toto would never lose. They put as much attention into their toilets as we Americans do into…actually there’s nothing we pay as much attention to. Their toilets are, for the most part, like pooping at the helm of a spaceship. You have a complete control panel, minus warp speed (or maybe that was on there…I couldn’t read anything). One button might delightfully warm the seat, another might produce pleasant sounds to counteract your less pleasant ones, while yet another might send a fairly powerful jet of water where you never wanted it…or did you? They won’t tell. Their toilets even keep secrets!
Sounds like you could eat off them toilets. Speaking of, what do they eat?
Firstly, as nice as the toilets were, definitely do not eat off of them (or in the bathroom in general). Secondly, the food is some of the best, if not the best, you can eat anywhere (in my opinion). It does help to already like Japanese food obviously. What’s worth noting is that it’s way more than sushi. Sushi is only one of tons of delicious options, and it’s not the go-to as far as we could tell (although it was obviously amazing for the most part). Without going into everything we ate and specifics (because the internet doesn’t have enough internet space for that), I think the key is figuring out what each city you visit is known for and relentlessly consuming it while you are there (e.g. Osaka and okonomiaki). Also, eat ramen wherever, and however you can between eating the other stuff. It has about as much in common with our dry noodle, ‘poor college’ packaged stuff as aged-porterhouse steaks and canned, Dinty Moore stew. It’s magic.
So, what was ‘Ninja’ awesome, and what was ‘Pokemon’ unfortunate?
Ninja Awesome:
· Japanese People: Really no way to convey, comprehend, or explain the hospitality, and over-the-top helpful nature, of the Japanese adequately. It basically makes you feel like you’ve been a bad person most of your life…in a good way? In spite of our terrible attempts at speaking the language, everyone patiently (and likely painfully) endured our ‘terrible-at-charades’ gesturing to make sure we were ok and getting what we needed. This was basically universal. Not once, but twice, Japanese gentlemen walked us over 6 blocks to show us where a location we couldn’t find on our own was. They clearly had other things they needed to be doing, but did that anyway without hesitation. Mind-boggling. I feel good about myself when I briefly point in the right direction for a tourist in New York. I suck (but still not walking anyone six blocks).
· 0% Crime-y/100% Clean-y: A friend mentioned that you could leave your wallet on a Japanese subway platform and would almost guarantee you would have it returned to you in 24 hours by the person that found it—every yen and credit card accounted for. We didn’t actually test this, but it’s likely true. It might be one of the safest places on the planet. Also, it’s basically spotless compared to what we’re used to.
· The Weird Stuff: Japan has a rep in the States as being incomprehensibly weird in many ways, and it’s deserved. Soak it in. It’s one of the best parts. Whether the manga district in Tokyo or animatronic snow crabs in Osaka, it’s a lot of what you realize you went there for in the first place. Make a point of finding it. Robot Restaurant, for starters.
· Vending Machines: Oh big deal. It’s just vending machines, right! WRONG! It’s Japanese vending machines—AND. THEY. ARE. EVERYWHERE. Feeling a bit sleepy and want a surprisingly delicious canned coffee? It’s no more than ten feet from you…I guarantee it. They have like six vending machines on every block, even in the middle of nowhere. Also, they occasionally have beer, sake and pre-fac cocktail vending machines, which occasionally is the most awesome thing ever (NOTE: you will get the stink-eye if you decided to enjoy more than two or three in one standing…not that we…yes we did).
· Prices: That thing you heard about the $50 watermelons and $100 glasses of Jack Daniels in Japan? Completely untrue and most likely came out of the much different economic boom-climate of the 80’s. That’s no longer the case. Japan is, relatively speaking, inexpensive. Swear. Look into it for yourself, but it’s an affordable place to visit on most any budget (outside of getting there). There are plenty of very good deals to be had.
· Basically Everywhere: We decided to go to some of the better-known tourist destinations (Tokyo, Kyoto and Nikko) as well as some that get less attention (Osaka, Kanazawa, Nagano, and the unintended Kinugawa Onsen), but ended up mostly loving them all. I am sure there are some duds in Japan, but we couldn’t find them (although Kinugawa Onsen gets a “kind-of-awkward” asterisk).
Pokemon Lame:
· Almost Nothing: Not lying here. Really had to stretch to think of any even slight negatives about our experience in Japan. They are almost entirely superficial, and more peculiar observances than real annoyances or grievances.
· Very Few Trash Cans: For a place this spotless, it was incredible that it was so hard to find a trash can when you needed one. It was actually explained to me that some of this in the cities was due to a terrible domestic terrorist attack in the subway years ago (religious cult), but it held true in places far from those areas of concern. Anyhow, it meant being slight inconvenienced by having to carry an empty coffee can or bad for a few extra blocks on occasion. Basically unforgivable.
· Comfort: It’s hard to say anyone beats the Japanese on aesthetics and attention to detail, but most fold out lawn chairs have them beat on comfort. Maybe it’s because I am slightly larger than some (I’m sensitive to carbs!), but the Japanese-style beds and sitting on the floor took a bit of toll after a couple weeks. Also, the seats at their baseball games have about enough room for one butt-cheek. That said, minor inconvenience.
DUMb AMerican's Quick Country Guide: Australia
(A Conversation With My Dumbest Self, About Australia)
So…shrimp barbees, kangaroos, and all that…what’s the deal?
Dumb Ian, it was so much more than barbee’d kangaroos! We were told it would be wildly expensive and almost everything we touched would kill us…but it was only mostly wildly expensive and we’re still mostly alive. Additionally, turns out they have a beach or two-hundred that looks like a screensaver, and ridiculously good coffee…and a fairly large reef. Australia is awesome.
I do need a new screensaver, seeing as my ol’ screen is so dead
Sorry to hear that?
They got beer?
Do they??!! It’s basically a bit like something if our domestic macro-brews tried making Czech beer, but they claim it’s like the most amazing beer. Don’t get me wrong, I love beer and their beer was no exception…but it was beer. Beer that was “it would be cool to have another of these if it wasn’t 9 bucks” beer. Not for nothing, but we have it good in the States insomuch as at least being able to order a second (or even third) beer on a hot day without requiring a catastrophic downgrade in our credit rating. But whatever. They have tasty beer.
What about toilets?
They have them, just like we do. Nothing to write home about, and the Kiwis have them beat on cleanliness hands down. Was like being back in the States…which confirmed we’re gross. Myself included.
How’s the grub?
What we had was almost universally delicious (and still expensive). Also, and l am ashamed to admit this, the Australian burger is the jam. Why ashamed, dumb Ian? Because the burger with the ‘works’ has a beet slice, pineapple and a fried egg included. Sound weird? It is. But it’s somehow ridiculously good. I am mad at myself for liking it…but I do. Out of the closet on this one. Deal with it Mom.
So, what was ‘Mad Max’ cool, and what was ‘Yahoo Serious’ lame?
Alright, not sure Mad Max still holds up, and the Yahoo Serious reference is just an outdated low-blow...but I'll roll with this.
‘Mad Max’ Cool:
· Sydney: If you look past their melted opera house, it’s a pretty sweet place to visit. I kid! The Opera House is actually pretty sweet too…if you look past all of the opera happening inside! I kid again…kind of. Really have no opinion of opera. Get Thai food.
· The Blue Mountains: They weren’t blue and they weren’t exactly mountains, but they can throw down with some our best vistas in the west. Grand Canyon included. Yeah, I said it..a geological beet burger.
· Nelson Bay/Port Stephens: Australia really pulled out all the stops here. We not only went on a whale watching trip where Big Momma Nature threw in dolphins, seals and a penguin—but they have a huge expanse of Sahara-esque sand dunes on the ocean that you can go sledding on. It all seems made up. I don’t care if it is.
· Byron Bay: We want to live here. It’s basically an endless beach that concludes with a surf break that you can take for half-a-mile (if you can surf…which I barely can). Also, everyone’s cool in a way that makes you realize you’re not that cool…but it’s so beautiful you don’t care…and that’s cool enough. Take that, cool kids. What was I talking about again?
· The Great Barrier Reef: Pretty sure you’ve heard of it. It deserves the name, but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t disappoint a bit (maybe a bit Yahoo Serious here). You are sure when you hear about it that you are going to be swatting away turtles to get a better look at the dolphins, but definitely not the case. Lot has obviously gone away, possibly for good. That said, spectacular. We loved it. Plenty of sharks and reefs creating obstacles in a greater way than usual.
‘Yahoo Serious’ Lame:
· “Scenic Routes”: Maybe we were spoiled by New Zealand, but Australia’s East Coast doesn’t exactly wow you with vistas from the road…even when they claim they will if you decide to take a horribly inconvenient detour and then you just keep seeing the same pine trees for the next three-plus hours.
· General Awareness: The alarm went off when I asked an employee at a National Park information booth what a certain kind of bird was—armed with video, audio and multiple photos—and she had no idea. Worse, she added she saw that same bird frequently in the parking lot, but had never cared to ask what it was. This unjustified stereotype was then solidified when my friend Matt Radigan asked a woman at the Koala Hospital where a bathroom was and she was dumbfounded...even though it was quite literally right next to the building in which she was sitting in plain view. She had been working there for years.
· Prices: It’s damn expensive. Not quite as bad as New Zealand, but it’s prohibitive. Beers are generally $7-$10 US, and meals at restaurants/cafes almost never dip below $15 unless you’ve found a great deal. Just be prepared (to eat meat pies and drink $6 throwaway Shiraz) if you are on a budget…which we were.
So…shrimp barbees, kangaroos, and all that…what’s the deal?
Dumb Ian, it was so much more than barbee’d kangaroos! We were told it would be wildly expensive and almost everything we touched would kill us…but it was only mostly wildly expensive and we’re still mostly alive. Additionally, turns out they have a beach or two-hundred that looks like a screensaver, and ridiculously good coffee…and a fairly large reef. Australia is awesome.
I do need a new screensaver, seeing as my ol’ screen is so dead
Sorry to hear that?
They got beer?
Do they??!! It’s basically a bit like something if our domestic macro-brews tried making Czech beer, but they claim it’s like the most amazing beer. Don’t get me wrong, I love beer and their beer was no exception…but it was beer. Beer that was “it would be cool to have another of these if it wasn’t 9 bucks” beer. Not for nothing, but we have it good in the States insomuch as at least being able to order a second (or even third) beer on a hot day without requiring a catastrophic downgrade in our credit rating. But whatever. They have tasty beer.
What about toilets?
They have them, just like we do. Nothing to write home about, and the Kiwis have them beat on cleanliness hands down. Was like being back in the States…which confirmed we’re gross. Myself included.
How’s the grub?
What we had was almost universally delicious (and still expensive). Also, and l am ashamed to admit this, the Australian burger is the jam. Why ashamed, dumb Ian? Because the burger with the ‘works’ has a beet slice, pineapple and a fried egg included. Sound weird? It is. But it’s somehow ridiculously good. I am mad at myself for liking it…but I do. Out of the closet on this one. Deal with it Mom.
So, what was ‘Mad Max’ cool, and what was ‘Yahoo Serious’ lame?
Alright, not sure Mad Max still holds up, and the Yahoo Serious reference is just an outdated low-blow...but I'll roll with this.
‘Mad Max’ Cool:
· Sydney: If you look past their melted opera house, it’s a pretty sweet place to visit. I kid! The Opera House is actually pretty sweet too…if you look past all of the opera happening inside! I kid again…kind of. Really have no opinion of opera. Get Thai food.
· The Blue Mountains: They weren’t blue and they weren’t exactly mountains, but they can throw down with some our best vistas in the west. Grand Canyon included. Yeah, I said it..a geological beet burger.
· Nelson Bay/Port Stephens: Australia really pulled out all the stops here. We not only went on a whale watching trip where Big Momma Nature threw in dolphins, seals and a penguin—but they have a huge expanse of Sahara-esque sand dunes on the ocean that you can go sledding on. It all seems made up. I don’t care if it is.
· Byron Bay: We want to live here. It’s basically an endless beach that concludes with a surf break that you can take for half-a-mile (if you can surf…which I barely can). Also, everyone’s cool in a way that makes you realize you’re not that cool…but it’s so beautiful you don’t care…and that’s cool enough. Take that, cool kids. What was I talking about again?
· The Great Barrier Reef: Pretty sure you’ve heard of it. It deserves the name, but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t disappoint a bit (maybe a bit Yahoo Serious here). You are sure when you hear about it that you are going to be swatting away turtles to get a better look at the dolphins, but definitely not the case. Lot has obviously gone away, possibly for good. That said, spectacular. We loved it. Plenty of sharks and reefs creating obstacles in a greater way than usual.
‘Yahoo Serious’ Lame:
· “Scenic Routes”: Maybe we were spoiled by New Zealand, but Australia’s East Coast doesn’t exactly wow you with vistas from the road…even when they claim they will if you decide to take a horribly inconvenient detour and then you just keep seeing the same pine trees for the next three-plus hours.
· General Awareness: The alarm went off when I asked an employee at a National Park information booth what a certain kind of bird was—armed with video, audio and multiple photos—and she had no idea. Worse, she added she saw that same bird frequently in the parking lot, but had never cared to ask what it was. This unjustified stereotype was then solidified when my friend Matt Radigan asked a woman at the Koala Hospital where a bathroom was and she was dumbfounded...even though it was quite literally right next to the building in which she was sitting in plain view. She had been working there for years.
· Prices: It’s damn expensive. Not quite as bad as New Zealand, but it’s prohibitive. Beers are generally $7-$10 US, and meals at restaurants/cafes almost never dip below $15 unless you’ve found a great deal. Just be prepared (to eat meat pies and drink $6 throwaway Shiraz) if you are on a budget…which we were.
DUMB AMERICAN's QUICK COUNTRY GUIDE: NEW ZEALAND
(A Conversation With My Dumbest Self)
So, err, why go there anyhow? That’s far.
Well, dumb Ian, it is far, but it’s also like someone took a few continents worth of indescribably beautiful natural wonders and condensed them into two unbelievably delicious, irregularly shaped snack bars. Unfortunately, even with three weeks, we had to leave a lot of the snack bars unfinished. It’s incredible and a place anyone should want to visit.
I like snack bars
…
They got beer?
Yes, they do. It’s expensive, but it is still beer and it’s mostly pretty tasty. Don’t plan on having too many at a time without a pre-approved loan in place. Favorites were Monteiths, Speights and, for that Miller Lite taste of home, Mac’s Gold.
What about toilets?
They have toilets. Also, most of the public bathrooms are way cleaner than the US. Unfortunately, they are all using some sort of water-conserving suction doo-hickey for their toilets that has kept me from seeing the water flush in the opposite direction. I have no way of actually knowing I am in the Southern Hemisphere yet.
How’s the grub?
If you can voluntarily will the onset of amnesia and hone it to just affect memories around how much you actually paid for things, the food here is consistently delicious. Highlights were the savory pies, delicious flat whites (coffee), whitebait and the awesomely free clams we harvested ourselves that required zero amnesia.
I’m bored. What was cool and what wasn’t?
Cool:
· Almost everywhere outside of the cities (which are few and far between anyhow), is stunning. You will almost get sick of hearing yourself say how beautiful everything is.
· Especially cool were the Poor Knights Islands, around Whangarei, Wai-o-tapu, Abel Tasman National Park, Kaikoura and Akaroa
· Penguins, seals, awesome birds, crazy plants…nothing that can kill you.
· Kiwis, the people. The most genuinely friendly and helpful people you could possibly imagine.
Not As Cool:
· Auckland: It’s probably great to live there if you have the money, but it’s remarkably expensive (even compared to New York) and it’s really not why you are in New Zealand. Not a bad place, but we would have spent just one day there if we could do it over.
· Rotorua, the town: Everyone, including the guidebook, will tell you to go to Rotorua, but they don’t really tell you what you should be doing there exactly. Turns out everything cool is like 45 minutes outside of Rotorua and that Rotorua itself smells likes eggs and looks like a town in West Virginia.
· Christchurch: Have to obviously begin by saying it was devastated by an earthquake a bit less than 4 years ago, so you have to give it a pass. That said, not a place to visit outside of waiting on a flight. A lot still being rebuilt.
So, err, why go there anyhow? That’s far.
Well, dumb Ian, it is far, but it’s also like someone took a few continents worth of indescribably beautiful natural wonders and condensed them into two unbelievably delicious, irregularly shaped snack bars. Unfortunately, even with three weeks, we had to leave a lot of the snack bars unfinished. It’s incredible and a place anyone should want to visit.
I like snack bars
…
They got beer?
Yes, they do. It’s expensive, but it is still beer and it’s mostly pretty tasty. Don’t plan on having too many at a time without a pre-approved loan in place. Favorites were Monteiths, Speights and, for that Miller Lite taste of home, Mac’s Gold.
What about toilets?
They have toilets. Also, most of the public bathrooms are way cleaner than the US. Unfortunately, they are all using some sort of water-conserving suction doo-hickey for their toilets that has kept me from seeing the water flush in the opposite direction. I have no way of actually knowing I am in the Southern Hemisphere yet.
How’s the grub?
If you can voluntarily will the onset of amnesia and hone it to just affect memories around how much you actually paid for things, the food here is consistently delicious. Highlights were the savory pies, delicious flat whites (coffee), whitebait and the awesomely free clams we harvested ourselves that required zero amnesia.
I’m bored. What was cool and what wasn’t?
Cool:
· Almost everywhere outside of the cities (which are few and far between anyhow), is stunning. You will almost get sick of hearing yourself say how beautiful everything is.
· Especially cool were the Poor Knights Islands, around Whangarei, Wai-o-tapu, Abel Tasman National Park, Kaikoura and Akaroa
· Penguins, seals, awesome birds, crazy plants…nothing that can kill you.
· Kiwis, the people. The most genuinely friendly and helpful people you could possibly imagine.
Not As Cool:
· Auckland: It’s probably great to live there if you have the money, but it’s remarkably expensive (even compared to New York) and it’s really not why you are in New Zealand. Not a bad place, but we would have spent just one day there if we could do it over.
· Rotorua, the town: Everyone, including the guidebook, will tell you to go to Rotorua, but they don’t really tell you what you should be doing there exactly. Turns out everything cool is like 45 minutes outside of Rotorua and that Rotorua itself smells likes eggs and looks like a town in West Virginia.
· Christchurch: Have to obviously begin by saying it was devastated by an earthquake a bit less than 4 years ago, so you have to give it a pass. That said, not a place to visit outside of waiting on a flight. A lot still being rebuilt.
